Last night I watched The Break-Up.? I felt like a fly on the wall?of my mind watching the fight scene after the dinner party.? Brooke's character seemed to say so many things that I have felt and never been able to say.? I've felt the longing to break it off, if just to attempt to make things better, but then being so terrified of it backfiring on?me.? I keep thinking?it has to be better than this, but then I can't figure out how to make it better.? Then I want to give up completely.? Her utter frustration and grasping at straws was completely relatable.? The ending was horrible, though.? I had hope for the alternate ending, but I think it might have actually been worse.?
The saddest part of the movie, I think, was the obvious fact that they both loved each other.? Way down inside, you know that they will always love each other.? It's made obvious by the looks and names of the new partners.
I don't want to settle for a look-alike, though.? I know that the real one is still there.? Somewhere, under all the hurt, and anger, and depression, and frustration, and lashing out, he is there.? I just want to know how to get him out.? How do I break him free from the dungy tower he's placed himself in?
Leaving seems to be a constant threat, but why is it, when we know that we still love each other?? I think it happens in every relationship.? It's a coping mechanism.? We seem to think that just saying it makes us stronger.? The delusion that we could leave and live without the other person?is a strong one, but a delusion nonetheless.? Maybe it's my codependency talking.? Maybe I'm onto something.? Only someone less confused than me could figure it out.?
Granted, there are couples that actually do end.? They are sad times.? I just somehow know that nomatter how many times, and how many ways, and nomatter who theatens it, neither of us will ever leave.? We just seem to be inextricably linked.? And yet as I write it, I pause, and sob a silent prayer? oh dear God, please let me be right.? Am I caught up in the emotions of Shopgirl?? Probably.? Am I a pathetic, sad, bored and boring woman?? Most likely.? There's just this little piece of me that says I know he loves me and that I am so much a part of him, that to not be together would be like trying to survive with half of your body missing.? Well, at least your heart and lungs.? He frustrates me no end; he makes me livid.? But children or no, I just want to stop breathing if I didn't know that he'd be there the next morning.? And I'm terrified of death.? But it would be a welcome option over living without him.? I didn't say alone.? Not with someone else.? Without him.
Should I be telling him this?? Probably.? Will I ever? No.? He'll have to read it here.? I don't have the guts.?
I've had these feelings before.? Being so overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings that I have to get them out somehow.? But how?? I don't even know where my pastels are.? It's been so long since I've sketched, I'm not sure I'd be able to do anything.? I relate to Mirabelle's character in Shopgirl - being up late sketching.? Has she awaked something in me?? Maybe.? I was just lamenting that I can't seem to write lately.? Maybe I should have whined sooner.? I've felt like this many times in the past.? But it was always at the demise of yet another relationship that I allowed myself to be too involved in.?
Is it of some consequence that it's been ten years?? Are such strong feelings after so long a good omen?? Is it some sign that it's finally the one that will last?? Or is it a warning, that this too is an overly long episode in a string of hurtful relationships?
I doubt it.? It's late at night, everyone's asleep, and in a few hours, the cold hard light of daybreak will shine on our three children bickering, runny-nosed, disobedient, and utterly frustrating.
Just like their father.