I would take no for an answer,
Just to know I heard You speak.
And I'm wondering why I've never
Seen the signs they claim they see,
A lotta special revelations
Meant for everybody but me.
Maybe I don't truly know You...
-from "Smell the Color 9" by Chris Rice
As I listened to this song this morning on the way home from dropping the kids off at school, it dawned on me that this is exactly how I feel. I've been a "Christian" all my life. I was baptized at 12 and have attended church regularly since then. But I've always questioned my salvation.
I know I can't do anything on my own. I know there's nothing I can do to secure heaven. I know what the Bible says. I know what the church says. I've heard it all before. I can tell it to anyone else. I'm all encouraging and "it's ok" to everyone else.
But I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not it; I'm not in; I'm not worthy enough.
I would take no for an answer. I'd take being told I'm not one of the chosen or saved, just as long as I could say without a doubt or question that God is really real and that He spoke to me.
Even if it was to tell me no.