Thursday, September 15, 2005

Down again

I made the mistake of thinking I was a worthwhile human and got cussed out because I went out to lunch with Sarah and the Parent Teacher Partnership moms that I had a meeting with this morning.

I made $80 yesterday that wasn't planned on, so I thought spending 8 would be okay. How foolish was I? Well, at least I felt human for a few hours. That should give me some satisfaction...but somehow it doesn't since now I feel like a dog that got out of its cage. I feel trapped in my house and that I can't get out. The car is just a cruel trick to make me think I have some freedom. I have to ask permission for every trip and every penny spent. If I spend money without asking permission first, I have to report it immediately upon my return and justify it all. "How much did you spend?" is a common question around here. Permission is usually denied unless I beg and cry, and then it's given grudgingly and I'm reminded of what a privileged wife I am for days afterward. I feel so stinking trapped, like I'm not worth being let out. What have I done that my humanity has been taken away? Why am I not allowed to be around other people? Is it because someone might let it slip that I'm valuable in some small way...that someone might actually appreciate me? I was told "thank you so much" today - I feel like that's not allowed to be said to me...I might get a big head or something. Couldn't I at least have it in porportion to my body? If I'm so smart and know so much, how come nobody can know? Why am I not even allowed to remember it for myself?

God forbid I feel an iota of worth.

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