Dire Thoughts

Pray for me. I was having thoughts last night during a fit of moroseness that I don't dare speak or even write.

I got up and took my meds since I realized I hadn't taken them. I did take two of the B vitamins since it says to take one twice a day and I was feeling so bad, but I resisted the urge to double the Prozac. I need to try to make sure I take them everyday.

Sarah is staying with Misty today and I'm going to sleep so I don't have to think. They want me at the school to help iron on transfers, but I'm not in the mood. I just want to avoid thinking so I don't have to face the demons in my brain.

God used me to encourage another woman in her marriage trials this morning, and she responded that she was really grateful and needed to hear what I had written. That makes me feel a little better. Maybe it's enough for now to keep you-know-who at bay. Good thing tomorrow night is prayer meeting - I'm going to need it.

Sigh of Relief

We've decided to postpone Sarah's party because of the hurricane. We're supposed to get very heavy rain on Sunday and we decided it's just not worth it to ask people to drive in that for a piece of cake. So I have two more weeks to clean - yay!

I've been sleeping upright, but at least in bed with my husband, which has a nice effect. I didn't realize how much I missed sleeping next to him. The bad side is that I've been waking up hurting. I think it's a fair trade-off for limiting the heartburn. I'm still pretty tired this week, though, because it's hard to be comfortable in that position. Maybe I'll get a nice long nap tomorrow afternoon.

Learning about some of the other families in the school has made me realize that I don't have it so bad. One's dealing with an absent mother, another with autism...so many stories and hardships.

I watched a movie about the Holocaust the other night then went and bawled in the shower. What audacity for me to be depressed! How could I bemoan my life when I look at what the Jews went through? It was convicting, both that I am too self-pitying and that my faith is not where it needs to be. I have tried to keep it in mind since then to remember the blessings that God has so mercifully bestowed upon me. I still struggle, though.

I'm not really in a high, but not in a low low either. Just kind of lower-even-keel, if that makes sense. For me, though, that's good.

Better But Not

The inhuman phase has passed, but has been replaced with the exhausted phase again. I can't wait 'till Friday. I think I'll just come home and go to sleep as soon as I drop Sarah off at Kids Day Out. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open now.

I am so not looking forward to Sarah's party on Sunday. I still have tons of laundry and dishes to do and Michael is in his own funk, so I've got to figure out a way to get over myself and get to work. Otherwise the party will be one big "please excuse my mess." I'm broke so I can't offer to pay anyone to help me and I can't bring myself to ask someone to do it for free.

Bethany has been a royal pain for the last several days - restless and all over the place. Part of me wants to hurry up and have her, but I know it'll only be harder once she's here. Plus, I want her to be as healthy as possible which means staying inside as long as possible. I just wish she'd stop kicking so hard!

Sarah's in a snit this week and refuses to obey or leave the cats alone. I need to figure out what's going on in her little brain so I can address it. I miss my good girl.

Brandon is doing well in school and comes and goes at home. I never know from one day to the next if he's going to be in a good mood or a rotten one.

I'm going to try to actually cook a good dinner tonight and clean the house a little more today and see if the calmer surroundings will help calm the people around here. Wish me luck.

Down again

I made the mistake of thinking I was a worthwhile human and got cussed out because I went out to lunch with Sarah and the Parent Teacher Partnership moms that I had a meeting with this morning.

I made $80 yesterday that wasn't planned on, so I thought spending 8 would be okay. How foolish was I? Well, at least I felt human for a few hours. That should give me some satisfaction...but somehow it doesn't since now I feel like a dog that got out of its cage. I feel trapped in my house and that I can't get out. The car is just a cruel trick to make me think I have some freedom. I have to ask permission for every trip and every penny spent. If I spend money without asking permission first, I have to report it immediately upon my return and justify it all. "How much did you spend?" is a common question around here. Permission is usually denied unless I beg and cry, and then it's given grudgingly and I'm reminded of what a privileged wife I am for days afterward. I feel so stinking trapped, like I'm not worth being let out. What have I done that my humanity has been taken away? Why am I not allowed to be around other people? Is it because someone might let it slip that I'm valuable in some small way...that someone might actually appreciate me? I was told "thank you so much" today - I feel like that's not allowed to be said to me...I might get a big head or something. Couldn't I at least have it in porportion to my body? If I'm so smart and know so much, how come nobody can know? Why am I not even allowed to remember it for myself?

God forbid I feel an iota of worth.

Improvement

I missed my appointment Friday because of stupidity - I thought it was later than it actually was. So I was disappointed that I didn't get to go sell purses. I'll be going in Wednesday morning. At least it gives me an opportunity to make more purses to sell...

I woke up every hour on the hour last night then woke up at 4 and couldn't get back to sleep. Sarah got up at 6 and Brandon at 6:30. Thankfully, my darling husband took them outside and then for an outing this morning so I could sleep. I'm still tired, but not near as bad as I was.

I started to take a B vitamin, which I think is helping. I've actually sat in church (and sang!) the last two weeks. We had a seminar on the 5 love languages this weekend that I enjoyed, so something is working better.

I've also gotten some typing work this week and there's a woman considering having me sew two dress and pantaloons sets apiece for her two daughters to the tune of $40 a set - so I'm excited about the work that has come in and anxious for the possibility of more work to come. I finally put up a website for my sewing work, which seems to be getting tons of traffic, so maybe even more orders will come through.

The secretary of the Parent Teacher Partnership at Brandon's school called me yesterday afternoon and asked if I'd be willing to create a newsletter for the PTP. I'll be meeting with them Thursday morning. They and the principal are also anxious to get me working on the school's website. It's amazing how feeling needed by others outside your family boosts your confidence and self-esteem. To think that people that don't even know me find me useful and are actually seeking me out to help them! It brings a grin and a sigh of happiness from realizing that maybe I'm not invisible to the world after all.

We also got two kittens this past week. They're not more than 5 weeks old and absolutely adorable. Both are lovable and like to purr in our ears. It's made a wonderful difference in Michael - I've seen him smile more since Wednesday night that I think I've seen in 6 months. That might be an exaggeration, but honestly, he's rarely smiled recently. I'm finally getting the lovin' I've been longing for and find it euphoric to lounge around with a kitten happily sleeping on my neck, shoulder, etc.

Here's hoping for a long up spell...

Insomnia

Last week ended with three green dots in a row - hurrah!! Once he got home, it was another story - the fits, etc were in full force. We'll see how this week goes. Yesterday was a school holiday, so I'm wondering how he'll do with the longer break between classes.

I've developed monstrous heartburn that nothing relieves, and I'm out of the heartburn pills that were helping minimally. I'm going to talk to the doctor Friday about getting on Nexium. It's the only thing that worked while I was pregnant with Sarah, and it worked like a charm - oh to drink orange juice and eat tomato sauce without the dragon lurking!

As if peeing and heartburn all night weren't enough to keep me sleep deprived, I've got some sort of sinus thing going on that's giving me headaches and making me fuzzy. I went to bed at 11:30 last night, woke at 1:00 with Michael and Brandon, 2:15 with Michael and Sarah, then 4:00 on my own. The last time I tossed and turned for 45 minutes before I gave in and got up. I did get four purses cut out, though. I even got one made before I took Brandon to school. I'm going to try to get as many made as I can before Friday so I can take them with me to my appointment and maybe sell one or two. That would be lovely.

I hope this apparent insomnia is short-lived, if not non-existent. Maybe it was just my brain going about selling purses combined with the sinus medicine wearing off. Maybe it's preparation for Bethany being here...maybe it's hell on earth....hmmm - that must be it.

Partial Antidote

Brandon has gotten two yellow dots and two green dots this week - a cure! Almost... It's amazing how your child improving his behavior can improve your depression.

I still haven't sewn all week, but at least I have washed a few loads of laundry and I did some dishes yesteray. I'm almost human.

The Braxtons are getting more frequent now - not just when I have to raise my voice to get the kids to hear me. I got a whistle, but it doesn't have the effectiveness I was hoping it would have. I woke up this morning with back pain that feels like what I had during my period. I wonder if it's just how I was sleeping, or if I should worry. I'll mention it at my appointment next Friday.

Bethany has really started moving around a lot. Last night Michael and I actually saw my stomach move. Michael's face was a pretty cool sight.

I still miss the cats, and I'm still exhausted and want to sleep all the time. At least the crying jag seems to be in remission for the moment. We'll see how long it lasts.