Sigh of Relief

We've decided to postpone Sarah's party because of the hurricane. We're supposed to get very heavy rain on Sunday and we decided it's just not worth it to ask people to drive in that for a piece of cake. So I have two more weeks to clean - yay!

I've been sleeping upright, but at least in bed with my husband, which has a nice effect. I didn't realize how much I missed sleeping next to him. The bad side is that I've been waking up hurting. I think it's a fair trade-off for limiting the heartburn. I'm still pretty tired this week, though, because it's hard to be comfortable in that position. Maybe I'll get a nice long nap tomorrow afternoon.

Learning about some of the other families in the school has made me realize that I don't have it so bad. One's dealing with an absent mother, another with autism...so many stories and hardships.

I watched a movie about the Holocaust the other night then went and bawled in the shower. What audacity for me to be depressed! How could I bemoan my life when I look at what the Jews went through? It was convicting, both that I am too self-pitying and that my faith is not where it needs to be. I have tried to keep it in mind since then to remember the blessings that God has so mercifully bestowed upon me. I still struggle, though.

I'm not really in a high, but not in a low low either. Just kind of lower-even-keel, if that makes sense. For me, though, that's good.

Better But Not

The inhuman phase has passed, but has been replaced with the exhausted phase again. I can't wait 'till Friday. I think I'll just come home and go to sleep as soon as I drop Sarah off at Kids Day Out. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open now.

I am so not looking forward to Sarah's party on Sunday. I still have tons of laundry and dishes to do and Michael is in his own funk, so I've got to figure out a way to get over myself and get to work. Otherwise the party will be one big "please excuse my mess." I'm broke so I can't offer to pay anyone to help me and I can't bring myself to ask someone to do it for free.

Bethany has been a royal pain for the last several days - restless and all over the place. Part of me wants to hurry up and have her, but I know it'll only be harder once she's here. Plus, I want her to be as healthy as possible which means staying inside as long as possible. I just wish she'd stop kicking so hard!

Sarah's in a snit this week and refuses to obey or leave the cats alone. I need to figure out what's going on in her little brain so I can address it. I miss my good girl.

Brandon is doing well in school and comes and goes at home. I never know from one day to the next if he's going to be in a good mood or a rotten one.

I'm going to try to actually cook a good dinner tonight and clean the house a little more today and see if the calmer surroundings will help calm the people around here. Wish me luck.

Down again

I made the mistake of thinking I was a worthwhile human and got cussed out because I went out to lunch with Sarah and the Parent Teacher Partnership moms that I had a meeting with this morning.

I made $80 yesterday that wasn't planned on, so I thought spending 8 would be okay. How foolish was I? Well, at least I felt human for a few hours. That should give me some satisfaction...but somehow it doesn't since now I feel like a dog that got out of its cage. I feel trapped in my house and that I can't get out. The car is just a cruel trick to make me think I have some freedom. I have to ask permission for every trip and every penny spent. If I spend money without asking permission first, I have to report it immediately upon my return and justify it all. "How much did you spend?" is a common question around here. Permission is usually denied unless I beg and cry, and then it's given grudgingly and I'm reminded of what a privileged wife I am for days afterward. I feel so stinking trapped, like I'm not worth being let out. What have I done that my humanity has been taken away? Why am I not allowed to be around other people? Is it because someone might let it slip that I'm valuable in some small way...that someone might actually appreciate me? I was told "thank you so much" today - I feel like that's not allowed to be said to me...I might get a big head or something. Couldn't I at least have it in porportion to my body? If I'm so smart and know so much, how come nobody can know? Why am I not even allowed to remember it for myself?

God forbid I feel an iota of worth.