- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
?
Friday, February 23, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
?
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
?
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Student Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
- As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
- Better be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the . bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- A miss is as good as a... mister.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the musketeers.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
- As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
- Better be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the . bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- A miss is as good as a... mister.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the musketeers.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Military Cargo Plane
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
Sunday, February 11, 2007
What! No E-mail?
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day." Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
?
Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day." Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
?
Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
It Does a Body Good
Here's a new one for ya: grape juice may be just as good for your heart as red wine.
"Researchers at the Universite Louis Pasteur de Strasbourg were examining the effect on the heart of Concord grape juice.
"Grape juice can have a similar effect (against heart disease) as red wine but without the alcohol. That is a very important message," said Dr Valerie Schini-Kerth, lead author of the study published in the journal Cardiovascular Research." (Grape juice good for the heart: study, Patricia Reaney)
You mean to tell me that something that God made - without being spoiled and turned into something that clouds your judgement and just plain makes you stupid -?is actually good for you????
Wow, that is an important message.? Too bad the majority of the world will never hear it.? Why?? Money.? According to Mothers Against Drunk Driving, college students alone spend about 5.5 billion?dollars on alcohol.? Wisconsin is famous and rich - for beer and cheese.
Alcoholic drinks and cheese are the only things on Earth that are purposely expired before we partake of them.? If anything else goes bad, we throw it out.? The effects of wine and cheese act as support of the intelligence of this decision.? Alcohol impairs just about all bodily functions and makes you vomit when too much is ingested, and cheese has been shown repeatedly to wreak absolute havoc on the digestive system.? Yet we turn to these rotten foods again and again.? Why??
They taste good.? Well, some of them.? The funny thing is, most drinkers will tell you that beer, wine, liquors, etc. are acquired tastes.? And some cheeses are like wild animals - their smell warns you that you don't want to eat it.? Somehow, though, we force ourselves to rape our tastebuds and then brainwash ourselves into liking it.
But hey,?food isn't a problem for us - just ask Eve.
"Researchers at the Universite Louis Pasteur de Strasbourg were examining the effect on the heart of Concord grape juice.
"Grape juice can have a similar effect (against heart disease) as red wine but without the alcohol. That is a very important message," said Dr Valerie Schini-Kerth, lead author of the study published in the journal Cardiovascular Research." (Grape juice good for the heart: study, Patricia Reaney)
You mean to tell me that something that God made - without being spoiled and turned into something that clouds your judgement and just plain makes you stupid -?is actually good for you????
Wow, that is an important message.? Too bad the majority of the world will never hear it.? Why?? Money.? According to Mothers Against Drunk Driving, college students alone spend about 5.5 billion?dollars on alcohol.? Wisconsin is famous and rich - for beer and cheese.
Alcoholic drinks and cheese are the only things on Earth that are purposely expired before we partake of them.? If anything else goes bad, we throw it out.? The effects of wine and cheese act as support of the intelligence of this decision.? Alcohol impairs just about all bodily functions and makes you vomit when too much is ingested, and cheese has been shown repeatedly to wreak absolute havoc on the digestive system.? Yet we turn to these rotten foods again and again.? Why??
They taste good.? Well, some of them.? The funny thing is, most drinkers will tell you that beer, wine, liquors, etc. are acquired tastes.? And some cheeses are like wild animals - their smell warns you that you don't want to eat it.? Somehow, though, we force ourselves to rape our tastebuds and then brainwash ourselves into liking it.
But hey,?food isn't a problem for us - just ask Eve.
That's Some Stout Stuff, Man!
"Doctors warn of poisoning from hand gels" caught my attention.? Oh boy, I thought.? Yet again something that's supposed to protect us is hurting us.
Oops - false alarm.? Turns out, an inmate and a hospitalized?alcoholic decided to drink it.? It said "alcohol" on the label, so they thought they'd imbibe.? These were two separate incidents that sparked two separate letters to the New England Journal of Medicine.? The inmate - aged 49 - was a "usually calm prison inmate who was described as being 'red-eyed,' 'loony,' 'combative,' and 'intoxicated, lecturing everyone about life'," Dr. Suzanne Doyon of the Maryland Poison Center and Dr. Christopher Welsh of the University of Maryland School of Medicine wrote in one letter.
"Other inmates and staff reported seeing this prisoner drinking from a gallon container of Purell hand sanitizer over the course of the evening. " (see article,?Gene Emery)
Like he had just decided, "Hmm, I think I'll enjoy a little drinking this evening."
?
The other man, 43, was treated for chest pains and other symptoms.? He was seen drinking the hand sanitizer from the dispenser in the bathroom.? When asked why,?"he pointed to the label, which read, 'Active ingredient 63 percent v/v isopropyl alcohol.' He explained that this percentage is higher than that in vodka." (see article,?Gene Emery)
?
Dr. Ashkan Emadi and Dr. LeAnn Coberly of the University of Cincinnati suggested that the labels be changed by the makers of the hand gels.
I suggest that people turn on their brains!
Oops - false alarm.? Turns out, an inmate and a hospitalized?alcoholic decided to drink it.? It said "alcohol" on the label, so they thought they'd imbibe.? These were two separate incidents that sparked two separate letters to the New England Journal of Medicine.? The inmate - aged 49 - was a "usually calm prison inmate who was described as being 'red-eyed,' 'loony,' 'combative,' and 'intoxicated, lecturing everyone about life'," Dr. Suzanne Doyon of the Maryland Poison Center and Dr. Christopher Welsh of the University of Maryland School of Medicine wrote in one letter.
"Other inmates and staff reported seeing this prisoner drinking from a gallon container of Purell hand sanitizer over the course of the evening. " (see article,?Gene Emery)
Like he had just decided, "Hmm, I think I'll enjoy a little drinking this evening."
?
The other man, 43, was treated for chest pains and other symptoms.? He was seen drinking the hand sanitizer from the dispenser in the bathroom.? When asked why,?"he pointed to the label, which read, 'Active ingredient 63 percent v/v isopropyl alcohol.' He explained that this percentage is higher than that in vodka." (see article,?Gene Emery)
?
Dr. Ashkan Emadi and Dr. LeAnn Coberly of the University of Cincinnati suggested that the labels be changed by the makers of the hand gels.
I suggest that people turn on their brains!
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