Fear and Loathing

I feel abandoned and I can't tell anybody. I feel like a fool for having yet another kid to just get yelled and cussed at and to take to church alone. I hate sitting there husbandless with my two kids and big belly. I hate the pitying looks and questions, and I hate telling my daughter that Daddy's not coming to church for the umpteenth time.

I hate the eye-rolling and disgusted sighs I get when I mention it. I hate the pregnant comments that inevitably come with every tear. I hate feeling....ugh!!! I just hate it.

I hate being taken repeatedly. I hate calling over and over and over and being told the same thing time and again, then nothing being fixed. I hate being blown off because I'm a woman, or I'm pregnant, or I'm poor.

I hate being disobeyed. I hate not having more control of my kids. I hate being depressed. I hate being on medication. I hate not being able to get off of it. I hate not being able to afford it.

I hate listening to other moms talk about the things they do and trying to come up with some noble, higher reason for not doing it other than the fact that I can't afford food, let alone anything else. I hate worrying if the toilet paper will last 'till payday, and who I can put off to get it when payday comes.

I hate that I want to get away from my daughter on some days and I just can't stand her. I hate that I feel like sixty dollars a month has to be spent on me taking her to kids day out once a week just so I can get a break from her. I hate that I still end up calling Misty and scrounging money from somewhere, anywhere just to get her out of my hair.

I hate that I lost her at school. I hate that she's not potty trained. I hate that he's not completely trained, either. I hate that he rarely gets green dots at school. I hate that he throws fits. I hate that he gets so crazy and rambunctious. I hate that they terrorize the cats.

I hate that I'm not normal, or at least a little closer to the normal that everyone else is. I hate depression. I hate my family life. I hate that I don't really have a family life to hate. We all just happen to live in the same house. I hate all the yelling. I hate all the swearing. I hate all the bickering and arguing and aggravating. I hate, hate, hate the absolute disobedience and disrespect and daily spankings. I hate not knowing what to do and that what I am doing isn't working. I hate feeling like a failure as a wife, mother, person, human being. I hate being incompetent. I hate being impatient. I hate being emotional. I hate crying. I hate screaming.

I hate pretending. I hate pretending that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I'm positive, that I'm optimistic, smart, talented. I hate trying to be worthwhile to anyone for anything, but knowing that I'm not and never will be. I hate ... I just hate.

You know, sometimes life just sucks.

Closer but Not Yet

My appointment went well and the doctor reiterated that as long as I can make it until October 10, the baby will be fine. Of course, we'll aim for at least November 1. The cramps are considered normal and more of the round ligament pain. The contractions are not to be worried about unless I have 6 within an hour. The swings were explained as part of the pregnancy and are expected to slow back down within a month of delivery. I just have to keep taking the meds and the B vitamins.

I can tell it's getting close - I'm exhausted. It feels like a different exhaustion than what I had a few weeks ago. It's like my body is trying to rest up for the delivery. I need to pack a bag for the hospital. Funny, with the last two, it was already packed and in the car by now.

Part of me wants to get to it, but part of me dreads when she's actually here and I'll be caring for her and Sarah full time. I'm hoping beyond hope that the church family will rally around me and help out a lot. Of course, there's still been no mention of planning the shower. I think with everything going on, it's not going to happen. Maybe that's why I'm so apprehensive. I've been counting on that for diapers. I'm not really angry or hurt about it, though. The ladies that will be planning it have had so many things going on that I can't be upset with them. I just wish I could help them somehow.

Dire Thoughts

Pray for me. I was having thoughts last night during a fit of moroseness that I don't dare speak or even write.

I got up and took my meds since I realized I hadn't taken them. I did take two of the B vitamins since it says to take one twice a day and I was feeling so bad, but I resisted the urge to double the Prozac. I need to try to make sure I take them everyday.

Sarah is staying with Misty today and I'm going to sleep so I don't have to think. They want me at the school to help iron on transfers, but I'm not in the mood. I just want to avoid thinking so I don't have to face the demons in my brain.

God used me to encourage another woman in her marriage trials this morning, and she responded that she was really grateful and needed to hear what I had written. That makes me feel a little better. Maybe it's enough for now to keep you-know-who at bay. Good thing tomorrow night is prayer meeting - I'm going to need it.