Sunday, August 28, 2005

The Abyss

Brandon has continued to get worse at school. We're going to meet with the teacher on Tuesday morning. I worry all day what he's doing and how the teacher is treating him. I'm beginning to wonder how this woman's mind works. Of course, that's probably the overprotective mother in me going nuts.

I've spiraled into a slump worse than any I remember. I either want to cry or sleep all the time. I'm exhausted and withdrawn. When I do go to bed, I can't get comfortable, and can't fall asleep. Then when I do manage to fall asleep, I toss and turn and wake up all night. I've been waking up at 5 every morning. What's the point of being exhausted if I get no rest? I go to bed between 9 and 10 and get up at 6:30, but feel like I never slept.

I didn't want to go to church yesterday...I never not want to go to church. I can't sing in worship, and I end up going to the mother's room and rocking in the rocking chair because I can't stand to be in a room of people. I'm trying to force myself to participate in things because in the past that has made me feel better. It doesn't seem to be working, though. Part of me wants to give up and withdraw completely, but I know that will just make it worse. I'm just not into it, though.

The only time I approach anything resembling contentment or happiness is when I'm sewing. I've got to figure out something else to make, though, or Sarah and Bethany will have so many dresses they'll never wear them all. I'm scared to try anything else, though. I'm too afraid I'll screw it up.

My depression has become the "trump card" in arguments now. Once I say anything about being depressed, Michael declares, "you've trumped me" and stops talking. I feel like this depression is taking away my life, and he seems to view it as some sort of excuse I use to get out of accountability. I view it as a straight jacket that nobody has the key to.

Someone mentioned B vitamins yesterday. I'd think that the Prozac and my prenates would have what I need, but I'm going to look into getting a B vitamin complex to start taking. I've known that they are very helpful in depression, but like I said, I figured my prenate had enough in it. I'm getting desparate now, though, so I'm going to try to find some.

I don't know when I'll post again. I had to force myself to do this one.

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