Thursday, April 2, 2009

Questions on Heaven

I would take no for an answer,
Just to know I heard You speak.
And I'm wondering why I've never
Seen the signs they claim they see,
A lotta special revelations
Meant for everybody but me.
Maybe I don't truly know You...

-from "Smell the Color 9" by Chris Rice

As I listened to this song this morning on the way home from dropping the kids off at school, it dawned on me that this is exactly how I feel. I've been a "Christian" all my life. I was baptized at 12 and have attended church regularly since then. But I've always questioned my salvation.

I know I can't do anything on my own. I know there's nothing I can do to secure heaven. I know what the Bible says. I know what the church says. I've heard it all before. I can tell it to anyone else. I'm all encouraging and "it's ok" to everyone else.

But I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not it; I'm not in; I'm not worthy enough.

I would take no for an answer. I'd take being told I'm not one of the chosen or saved, just as long as I could say without a doubt or question that God is really real and that He spoke to me.

Even if it was to tell me no.


Kat said...

I used to feel this way too. I think guilt is programmed into our society and, unfortunately, our religion. The only one you have to worry about is God and if you talk to him regularly (and it sounds like you do) then just tell him about it. I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't be "good enough". :)xo

crystal said...

You're a dear, Kat. Thanks for the encouragement.

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